A few years ago I wrote an article about how our culture views the concept of masculinity. At the time, it kind of blew up.
The title was a little more tongue-in-cheek than this one, but the subject matter was actually pretty heavy. I talked about Pick-Up artists and serial abusers like Andrew Tate, Incel culture, and how our society’s emphasis on sexuality was resulting in a lot of pain and anguish — both to young men and to the people around them.
I also talked a little bit about the idea of Toxic Masculinity. And, uh… wow. Boy howdy, a lot of guys did not like that.
I even included a disclaimer in my article about the meaning of the term, emphasizing that toxic masculinity refers to a small group of traits that we associate with masculinity. Things like aggression, non-consensual dominance, unhealthy competitiveness, and misogyny.
Things that are very much current in internet discourse in the wake of both the Epstein revelations and the Cornell 57 case, amongst others. There is so much to unpack in how our society views gender roles, rape culture, consent and everything in between.
Back when I wrote that article, I made a point of stating, quite clearly, that the term toxic masculinity does not mean “All Men Bad.” It doesn’t mean that masculinity itself is toxic, only that certain aspects of traditional masculinity can be when taken to the extreme.
Yet, somehow, it seems like the guys who commented on that piece had hit the term and immediately stopped reading. It’s like they decided then and there that the rest of the article wasn’t worth their time, and had to snap at me for proclaiming the term masculinity to be a bad word.
And that’s a bit of a shame because if they’d read further, they’d have noticed that I mentioned another idea down near the end: Positive Masculinity.
Because yes, there is such a thing. And it’s awesome.
Positive Masculinity is what it says on the tin. It’s the opposite of toxicity. It’s all about emphasizing the good, healthy expressions of masculinity that don’t hurt others and focus on building people up instead of tearing others down.
Where toxic masculinity is all about insecurity and the need to establish power over others, positive masculinity is comfortable sharing that power. Positive masculinity doesn’t need to be king of the hill — it can be part of a council, as long as it still gets shit done.
Toxic masculinity is about aggression, being number one, and being better than everyone else. Positive masculinity recognizes that being a rung below the top isn’t the same as failure, and that ambition doesn’t have to burn you out.
Toxic masculinity puts women and LGBTQ+ people down for being ‘less than’ straight cisgender men. It views disability as weakness and worthy of scorn, it views conformity as necessity and sneers at any men who buck the expectations of strength and stoicism.
Positive masculinity isn’t threatened by somebody being different. It values diversity. Somebody else being gay isn’t scary. A woman being a lesbian isn’t a challenge to overcome.
The reason we feminists talk about toxic masculinity so much is that it hurts us. And, just as importantly, it hurts men. Guys, when is the last time you got a hug from your friend when you were in pain?
When is the last time one of your guy friends put a hand on your shoulder and told you that you were kicking ass? When is the last time they paid you a compliment without teasing you, or roasting you in the middle of it? Have they ever? Or do they just tell you to “Suck it up, pussy.”
When is the last time another person, man or woman, told you you looked good without you thinking they were hitting on you? Seriously, women compliment each other constantly, just because it makes other people feel good.
Try it. Tell your buddy he’s kicking ass today. Find something about him that he’s self-conscious about, and say something to make him feel better.
Or even just take a second out of your day to say “Hey, man. I know you’ve been having a tough time lately. If you need somebody to talk to, give me a call, okay?”
Just try that, and watch what happens. See, toxic masculinity has one big, glaring side effect: It blocks connections between men. It enforces isolation. It pits guys against each other and turns affection and cooperation into objects of mockery.
One guy crying while his buddy puts an arm around him?
“That’s so gay, bro!”
First off, what’s wrong with being gay? Secondly… why make fun of someone trying to help another human being?
We humans are social creatures. We thrive in groups, we are naturally cooperative and crave interaction. Remember how much it sucked to be stuck at home during the Covid lockdown? It really hits your mental health like a truck, doesn’t it?
Being starved for affection is a real thing. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. Do ever feel lonely in the middle of the night, just wanting to talk to somebody? Express how you feel, get it all out, and have somebody tell you it’s okay?
Toxic masculinity tells you those feelings make you weak.
Positive masculinity tells you everybody has feelings, and it’s okay to talk about them.
Bottom line, women don’t want men to be miserable. I promise. We really, really don’t.
Generally, we prefer dating secure, compassionate men with empathy and an open shoulder to cry on. We prefer men who will stand up for what they believe in but are willing to communicate openly and honestly and without throwing fists.
We don’t need somebody who’s going to fly off the handle because someone else got the girl he was looking at. We don’t want the guy who throws a tantrum because he got turned down when he asked a random woman for her number at the bar.
We’d like to get to know the guy who takes the refusal with a smile, wishes her a nice evening, and walks back to his buddies with an “Oh well, maybe next time!” kind of attitude.
We know that guy isn’t going to punch us in the face for making him ‘look bad’ in front of his bros. We have no idea what the angry guy is going to do to us in his rage at being rejected, but we’re pretty sure it’s going to be bad.
You may not realize this, but a lot of women are afraid to say no.
Some women go along with whatever a big, intimidating guy tells them to do in that situation because she doesn’t want to make him angry. Please, please let her know that you don’t want to pressure her and that it’s okay to turn you down. I’m begging you.
We don’t want the guy that’s constantly measuring us against his buddy’s girlfriend.
We don’t want the guy that’s using us to show off to his friends.
We definitely don’t want the guy who expects us to just put up with whatever degrading, misogynistic ‘jokes’ his bros make because we need to “Stop being so dramatic.”
We don’t need the guy who needs to be a macho Alpha Wolf out in front. We need packmates who’ll stand beside us.
The worst part is, the guys who most need to hear this aren’t going to read it. I’m a woman. They would curl their lip at taking my advice and say I’m trying to emasculate them and make them girly.
Because in trying to get women, they’ll only take advice from men.
Bit of a contradiction, right? It’s why so many of them fail; they’re being sold a bill of lies from grifters who profit off of their loneliness. The minute the guy actually succeeds in getting a partner he wants to stay with long term, the Pick-Up artist con man loses him as a customer.
It’s in their best interest to screw you over. Don’t fall for it.
Don’t be a ‘nice guy.’ Be a good man, instead.
Solidarity wins.