How many times have you had someone refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer?
How many times have you been told that you need to suck it up and go on with something that you hate, that makes you uncomfortable, for the sake of other people’s comfort or enjoyment?
How many times have you been told that your comfort and autonomy doesn’t matter?
I don’t only mean in a sexual way, either. How many times as a kid where you forced to hug a relative when you didn’t want to be touched? How many times were you told you had to attend a party because you’d be missed if you didn’t, even though you didn’t want to go?
All the time for me, when I was little. For little introvert Sam, it was a constant battle.
For little girls, the conditioning starts young. Don’t be rude. Smile. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, don’t you know? And sweetheart, don’t be upset — when boys are mean to you and pull on your hair, when they push you around and call you names, it’s only because they like you!
Abuse is how boys deal with feelings they don’t know how to express with words.
Boys will be boys. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it, just forgive them and be the bigger person. After all, girls are more mature than boys, so it’s your job to be the grown up.
We are taught from an early age to accept mistreatment, and that mistreatment is the same as affection. That our discomfort is not important, and it’s our job to set it aside to make other people happy.
As we get older, we’re socially pressured to treat relationships the same way.
Don’t be stuck up. Give him a chance, even if you don’t like him. Remember when you were a kid, and your parents wanted you to try new things? How do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never even tried it! The same, apparently, goes for boys.
Whether you’re attracted to him or not, what matters is you give him a chance. Don’t be a cold fish.
Remember, if he’s mean to you, it means he likes you. That whole stereotype of women going for the bad boy over the nice guy has an origin story, and it starts on the elementary school playground.
It’s not a natural choice. We’re taught to think like that. Most of us grow out of it after we go through that one toxic, abusive relationship with the bad boy that changed our lives forever. If we survive, that is. Not everyone does.
I was 14 when I had my bad relationship. It was my first. I’m still carrying scars, and I probably always will.
What’s worse, our beauty culture has been shaped by monsters. How we act, how we dress, how we alter our bodies and carry ourselves, it’s all prescribed by the trend of the day.
Speaking of trends, have you ever stopped to think how many of the men who run the women’s fashion industry just happened to be on the Epstein client list?
The ones who decided that women should look as young as possible, and that youth is beauty. The ones who put pre-teens in crop tops on magazine covers, who popularize removing body hair — something adult women have naturally, but little girls don’t.
Many women my age and older have had to face the fact that we were basically raised to live up to the standards of actual pedophiles who shaped our perception of what beauty looks like.
As NPR titled a podcast episode a while back, ‘The Beauty Industry Has an Epstein Problem.’
And when the horror finally lands, as it does to one in four women in my country, it will be minimized by the people who it didn’t happen to.
I grew up with clips like this popping up on the television when I was a little girl:
Imagine a little pre-teen Sam seeing this ad pop up in between morning cartoons.
Imagine the world this was preparing me for.
And I’m glad it did, because it made me cautious. I avoided being kidnapped, I learned to pay attention to my surroundings. I learned to choose the bear early on.
It prepared me for what I might hear if it ever happened to me.
Are you sure you didn’t want it? Regret doesn’t make it rape, you know. Make better choices, be accountable for what you do, and don’t blame him that you didn’t have a good time.
If you don’t behave like the perfect victim and perform from the very beginning, make every exactly right decision while you’re reeling in confusion and trauma, then you will be doubted and dragged through the mud and accused.
Even if you do behave properly, they’ll accuse you of being a liar.
And even if you’re believed, well… he’s from a good family. His future could be ruined, and you don’t want that, do you?
I do. I want it ruined. He didn’t care about ruining someone else’s life, why should we give a fuck about his?
Don’t get me started on the law. Like in that Cornell (5)7 case. The voluntary intoxication loophole that made the whole thing legally murky — that if she voluntarily drank or took drugs, she can’t claim rape? Because if you voluntarily drink, you can’t claim you were too intoxicated to give consent, you see.
Are you serious? Fuck off with that.
Don’t get me started on the rape kits that don’t get tested, the cops that don’t believe you, the justice system that barely, if ever, holds any rapists or assaulters to account.
Why would they? Look at the guys who make the laws. How many of them have opinions about how ‘whores’ — I mean, women, of course — conduct themselves around boys who just can’t help themselves? The poor things. It’s the woman’s fault, clearly. She tempted him! What was he supposed to do, control himself?
Can you taste my sarcasm?
By the way, have you ever noticed that when an immigrant is snatched up by ICE, even if he’s a teenager the media will call him a young man, but the Cornell college guys who were all in their 20s were referred to as ‘boys?’
Not just in the U.S., they do it here in Canada, too.
Just food for thought. It seems our North American culture has some ideas about who is mature and able to make decisions rationally and be held accountable, and who ought to have their crimes minimized and be given a pass.
Anyway, I wanted to go on a bit of a rant because I keep seeing the same bullshit arguments everywhere I look. The Cornell case, Russell Brand, any other sexual assault case that hits the news, you will see swarms of men calling the survivors liars.
You know the script. Lying for money, she just regrets having sex so she’s accusing him to save face, she should have known what would happen if she went out dressed like that, if he was hot she would have loved it instead, etc, etc.
It’s sick.
And it pisses me off to no end that in the year 2026, this is where we’re at.
A serial sexual abuser and adjudicated rapist in the Oval Office, the Epstein client list halfway public and nothing being done about it, and a general culture that excuses rape and teaches women to shut up and grin and bear it.
I hate it here.
Solidarity wins.
I hear what you are saying Sam. I've suffered at the hands of men who were deaf to me saying no, - who only cared about what they wanted and couldn't give a damn about me.
I believe in revenge. Full stop.